Post Edinburgh Nooz and Thoughts

So. I've put off writing this for 26 days- the plan was to write it on returning home.

But we all needed a bit of time to get over Fringe, didn't we.

And now, how do we all feel about it? Well...

The word 'slog' comes to mind. I am so grateful for everyone who came to see the show and the people I had a chance to chat to after the show were just lovely. I met other theatre makers, veteran Edinburgh Festival goers, Fringe virgins, old friends from school, friends of friends, family, lots of people who work or volunteer with the homeless, companies who I really admire (was it a bit nerve racking having the whole of Superbolt Theatre sat on the front row!), families, couples and people on their own. A whole mix of ages too, which was lovely. My Gran came and shed a few tears. My Dad came and I dedicated the show to him and all the mums and dads of Edinburgh Fringe performers who help us get to this place helping us financially and emotionally. We almost sold out one day. The next day we had about 10 people. One day a woman fell asleep in the front row and then refused to clap at the end. On our second day in Edinburgh we found out we were longlisted for the Amnesty International Freedom of Expression Award. We had some real highs and lows.

We had some really quiet days were I felt very, very worried and also developed quite a lot of anxiety of performing to small audiences. I would be in the middle of scenes thinking, 'shit, how are we going to get more people in tomorrow?!' The show is very exposing and can be quite full on. With a full audience it sort of keeps you going and the adrenaline is pumping and you fly through it. But when you can see everyone of those 10 peoples' faces staring back at you there seems to be a lot of space in the room and its terrifying. The show had to change depending on who was there. I had to be flexible.

Amazingly though, the technical elements ran incredibly smoothly throughout the entire run considering we had four televisions, four webcams and four practical lamps.

A big question for me, which was discussed a lot during the Fringe and came up in the media, is; is theatre dying out in Edinburgh?

I get it. I totally get it. If you're up with your mates for a few days maybe all you want to do is have a drink and a laugh. If you had to choose between a fun show with bright costumes and a show about a teenager who becomes homeless I can see what you might choose. With this in mind, I would not take another show to the Fringe unless it was a comedy. If anything. It's scary financially and you return back home, which in my case is London (the most expensive place EVER) and it's extremely tough. Companies are spending a massive amount of their money just to be there. It begs the question; are the benefits worth it?

I saw 58 shows this year, so I definitely made the most of my Pleasance pass. I hope this doesn't come across like I'm annoyed at other companies, but I was surprised at how little other companies came to see our show, which was also indicative of how the Fringe is changing. Everyone was pushing so hard to market their own show by being out flyering, it seemed people couldn't take out the time to come and see each others. Either that or 12.45pm was just too early for anyone who'd been out the night before!

So, when people ask me 'How was Edinburgh?!', I don't go 'Oh yeeaah it was amaaaazinnng we got a 5* review and were nominated for an award and met some really cool people' because, although all that is true, I think I'm still reeling a little from the financial loss. And maybe I'm just still knackered and need a holiday. I know I need to feel proud of what I've achieved. I know my family and friends are proud of me. But without any solid evidence of 'success' I think I'm finding it hard to get there.

One of my very good friends and also the dramaturg of the show, Anna, always urges me very strongly to not judge my art on the amount of people in the audience or the criticism of anyone else. So I need to have a strong word with myself to actually follow her advice and let myself off the hook a bit. Of course, it's easier said than done.

One thing is certain. I had the BEST TEAM EVER. Camille saw me through everyday. He was the most fantastic flyerer- HE SOLD THOSE TICKETS. The charmer, making me tea, cooking me dinner, hugs, giving me notes. Ina was THE BEST. She was in charge of the show everyday and played all the other characters with absolute perfection. Phil made the show look and sounds wonderful. It is everything I ever dreamed it could be and more. Rebecca is the most organised, efficient but also fun person to work with. Anna made it look beautiful, those fairy lights those, argh gorgeous. And Calum, well, we did it and people bloody loved his words and I seemed to be quite a good actor so YAY.

What's next. A little tour in the Spring/Summer 2018 is hopefully coming to a venue near you. We'll keep you updated with dates and places. In the meantime, we will do a bit of tinkering with the script and with this tour we would also like to raise some money for St Mungos.

If you're reading this, then THANK YOU. See you in February, if not before.

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